Final Post.
This will be my last tumblr post.
I don’t feel the need to broadcast myself anymore as some lonely child crying out for a friend might.
The last two weeks were rough to say the least. And I’m done trying to change myself. I’ve accepted my lot in life. I am what I am and no matter what I try to do that will remain the same. I’d like to say that it hasn’t all been just me, that I could just never catch a break, but after 17 years that can’t possibly be true.
I feel some regret. I think I managed to fuck up any chance I had at a close friendship with one person because I freaked out over the fact I had someone to talk to. (And idiot me couldn’t figure out to shut up)
Live and learn.
I should thank tumblr. If nothing else, my writing ability increased dramatically thanks to this blog. Hell, if I managed a 4-5 on the AP Lang exam then this was the reason why.
And that’s not all. I’ve probably sounded pretty emo in a lot of posts. Writing those things down, those things that went through my head countless times, made a larger difference than I could have imagined.
“Pretty deep” is a discription I’ve gotten a lot about the random crap I’ve spewed into the words, sentences, and paragraphs I made here. I find that ironic. Most of the things I’ve said here were so short-sighted, ill-conceived, and self-centered, I can’t bring myself to go back and read them all again.
I have one request of you. I’ve been surprised to learn who reads (or I suppose read) this blog. If you’ve ever read any post before, I would greatly appreciate it if you liked this post on facebook to let me know. I’d enjoy any surprises.
What the fuck is wrong with me? (What’s right is probably the shorter list.)
That life is worth living is the most necessary of assumptions, and, were it not assumed, the most impossible of conclusions.
Reality - Part of Speech: Noun - Definition: Actual results may vary.
You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.
There are times when there are few things that can actually help.
Not a gift, not a prize.
Certainly not words.
But sometimes a person helps.
Not just anyone, but someone that at some point becomes special.
And its funny how you almost never know ahead of time who that will be.
Well, funny in the sense that afterward, you can’t see how it could of played out any other way.
(Oh, and to the mystery person with the nice formspring message- It’d mean a lot more if I knew who you were.)
And my most common thought these days
Is that she secretly thinks as low of me
As I always have.
Fear?
Does loneliness scare me? I wondered this today, when I casually noted to myself that fear of having no one else is great motivation for some kids to try and be friends with everyone. I came to the conclusion that it couldn’t possibly frighten me, for I have not know any different- How could I be scared of the dark if the lights had never been turned on?
Change seemed a likely suspect. It scares many, and I most certainly tried my best to avoid it as a kid. But I’ve grown. And change is a natural process, death being the example common to us all.
Ultimately, my greatest fear is not change, but rather the absence of it; that things will never be different, and I’ll always be stuck in the same pit.
The most important things we learn in high school can’t be read in a textbook or explained by a teacher.
To him that waits all things reveal themselves, provided that he has the courage not to deny, in the darkness, what he has seen in the light.
